I want to get on Facebook.
I want to get on really badly.
This is what Lent looks like. I’m at work, and I usually click to that page of photos when I’m in need of a quick emotional fix.
Someone cusses at me at work. Someone catches me making an honest mistake. Someone says really rude things.
Usually, in these situations, I flip through my newsfeed, because the colors and the articles (one million internet wormholes, hello hello, I love you all…) and the pictures of animals and babies and what not make me feel connected again. Even the ones that make me frustrated are the kinds that I love to hate, you know? *sinister cackling commence*
Anyway.
So, right now, for Lent, I’m trying to curb my Facebook-y habits (among other things. Don’t judge my fasting practices).
And it’s really hard.
Why? I’ve realized that…I use teh Facebooks as a distraction. I use it to feed my perception of “happiness.”
Someone sends a nasty email? Well, three other friends just got back from Paris. Take that, rude email-er. I’m about to look at all of these photos until I can barely remember you.
A few of the things I’ve given up seem to be my happiness-distractions. Dang it. Now I’m stuck heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere.
Only, it’s kind of eye-opening.
One of the reasons Lent is 40 days is because we have this story of Jesus Christ being in the desert for 40 days and fasting and what not.
It’s interesting, because I feel like I have my own desert-y experience right now, in a baby way (I mean, I’m still eating and stuff).
Pulling oneself away from distractions gives one the time to really sort through the heart, to really assess what’s going on in there.
It’s interesting to see what I use, what I think is necessary, what I accept as cheap counterfeit to what I really desire.
Case in point: turns out, I don’t actually want Facebook, I actually want to talk to friends and have meaningful connection and know I’m loved and a laundry list of other things.
But…I’ll settle for quick emotional fixes, sure, why not? *Logs into Facebook*…do you see the pattern?
Le sigh.
And so, in this final full week of Lent, I’m still trying. Still pushing through. Still digging deeper into the garden of my heart (shoutout J) to be like, “What, heart? What do you really want? What is really nourishing you? What is distracting you? How can we make you a better, more fulfilled heart? What counterfeit things can I get rid of, to create space for the things I most want/ need?”
Exhale.
I still kind of want to get on Facebook, though.
Lent, I kind of don’t like you. But, I also kind of really, really do.
(Also, I wrote this yesterday and logged on to Facebook today to answer a question in a comment thread where I was specifically tagged, #fulldisclosure. I didn’t wormhole look at the newsfeed, though. Small steps).