Sometimes I don’t excel…and, whatever, man

Sometimes I post pictures of myself playing circus on the interwebs. But, there are other photos I don’t tag or share, and I kind of want to talk about that today.

Last Thursday I couldn’t move my arms so well. Want to know why? On last Wednesday, at circus class, I was trying to learn two new ways to mount the circus apparatuses.

Now, I could end that right there, couldn’t I? And maybe you’d be like, “Dang. She in a circus class. She cool.” And wouldn’t that just stroke my little ego.

But, I’m not going to end it there. I’m going to be honest: I couldn’t do them. Either of them. Well, actually, I did one once, but when the teacher wasn’t looking…so does that even count? SMALL MATTER. Because subsequent times I could not complete the mounts. I couldn’t jump as high as I needed to, I couldn’t link my feet quickly enough, I couldn’t push my body in the directions it needed to go.

At one point I was holding the aerial hoop, hands callousing and body pulsing, and I was like, “Well, what do we do now?”

And I made the decision to ask the teacher for a boost. EVERY time, you guys.

I told my sister later, “I decided to ask for help for a few reasons: (a) someone needs to be the worst person in the class and, you know, I’m alright with that being me (b) sweet humility (c) I paid for the class soooo, they can help me out.”

Ha.

It’s interesting, though, to note now much pain I’m in today…because that shows me that, yes, I was working hard, I just wasn’t good enough.

In grade school I had an art teacher who would send us to our work saying, “Go make some mistakes!”

He didn’t mean it in the “Go screw everything up on purpose” sense of the phrase but, rather, to give us the freedom to try. Fear can be crippling, can’t it? You can be so afraid of messing up something, though, that you never do anything.

At least, that’s me sometimes.

I’m not speaking for you.

ANYWAY.

Yeah, I kind of failed. But, I tried. And I’m not about to beat myself up for that. I’ll give myself grace for trying and give myself grace for asking for help and give myself grace for embracing humility.

Here’s a ton of awesome words from St. Francis de Sales. Read ’em over, if you’d like.

And, if you extra-like, print them off and read them to yourself as a special treat because, gosh, beautiful.

Do not anticipate the unpleasant events of this life by apprehension, rather anticipate them with the perfect hope that, as they happen, God, to Whom you belong, will protect you. He has protected you up to the present moment; just remain firmly in the hands of His providence and He will help you in all situations and at those times when you find yourself unable to walk, He will carry you. What should you fear, my dearest daughter, since you belong to God Who has so strongly assured us that for those who love Him all things turn into happiness. Do not think of what may happen tomorrow, because the same eternal Father Who takes care of you today, will take care of you tomorrow and forever. Either He will see that nothing bad happens to you or, if He allows anything bad to happen to you, He will give you the invincible courage to bear it.

Remain at peace, my daughter. Remove from your imagination whatever may upset you and say frequently to our Lord, “O God, You are my God and I will trust in You; You will help me and You will be my refuge and there is nothing I will fear, because not only are You with me, but, also, You are in my and I in You.” What does a child in the arms of such a Father have to fear? Be as a little child, my dearest daughter. As you know, children don’t concern themselves with many matters; they have others who think for them. They are strong enough if they remain with their father. Therefore, act accordingly, my daughter, and you will be at peace.

Today was circus class again.

Today I couldn’t split my legs as far as everyone else. I couldn’t toss my torso as forcefully as everyone else. I couldn’t hold the poses as intensely as everyone else.

But, you know what, I don’t care.

I tried. I failed. I tried again.

Thanks be to God.