Easy guide to making root beer

A few weeks ago the weather was real nice and I posted on Facebook about going hiking and then my frand James called me and was like, “Hey, were you being serious? I want to go hiking.”

So then I was like, “Yeah, I’m serious. Let’s go.”

And he was like, “Well, first I want to go to this brewing store and buy some stuff to brew beer for the beatification of Father Solanus Casey.”

And I was like, “Obviously this is a good idea. Also obviously, I now want to try my hand at brewing root beer.”

So we went to the store bought the brewing stuff and went to the park and did the hiking stuff and yesterday I got ready to start the brewing of the root beer. The store sold me this li’l bottle of root beer flavor. And I opened it and started reading the bottle and the li’l box and the li’l papers in the box. There were two papers to be read. This is important for later, because it turns out that they weren’t congruent i.e. someone (coughMEcough) could rather easily confuse the directions. Anyway, I started reading the directions.

And I followed similar directions that read like:

1. 1. Read the instructions, realize you don’t have a cooking thermometer
   2. Go to buy a thermometer from the store
   3. Find other stuff for sale in Kroger. Do some Christmas shopping. Thermometer is $5. Total bill is $56.
   4. Come home and eat assorted snacks.

(It is important to note that I took a break here involving a friend and a phone call and a full night of sleep and then a full day of work, and then picked back up again).

1. 1. Misread the remaining directions due to a mixup/ confusion of the two pieces of paper
   2. Measure/ mix/ stir. Be very careful about your yeast timing, your water temps, etc
   3. Taste test. It seems strong.
   4. Realize you measured out 8 QUARTS instead of what this recipe calls for, due to your mix up of the li’l instructional papers. This recipe will create…8 GALLONS.
   5. Try to find enough bottles in your house of assorted weird containers to function as containers for 6 more gallons of root beer.
   6. Start to panic. Make the mixing of 8 gallons a hodge podge guessing game. No one knows exact measurements anymore. Every man for himself.
   7. Hope for the best.
   8. You don’t have enough containers for 8 gallons.
   9. You have enough for 7 gallons.
   10. Seven strong gallons of root beer.
   11. Move the glass jars and cooler and assorted used (and washed!) 2-Liter bottles to a different room.
   12. Mop the floor where the sugar-water dripped.
   13. Hope for the best.
   14. Long live Solanus Casey.