I had a dream a few weeks ago that I was in a car accident. In this dream, it was a very bad car accident. My car was totaled, my little silver sedan, taken away in a tow-truck. Now, not only was my car totaled, but there was a multiple-car pile-up, on the highway, and I was one of the cars. Even in the dream I knew that my body would be sore, and I knew that I would need to find another car, and I didn’t know what was going to happen with transportation until I got a new car, and I didn’t know what was going to happen to me or with my insurance or any number of things. Plus it was getting dark. We were somewhere in Detroit, on a highway. I think it was starting to snow.
But, I had a friend who was also somehow in the pile-up. I know him in real life, a friend from college, Isaac. So, I ran into Isaac at this accident site and, instead of focusing on the wreckage completely surrounding me, I was instead just kind of happy to see my friend and we chatted about things.
And then, in my dream, I went to my house (but how did I get there, though?? Dream-loophole!!), and my mom was like, “How was your day?”
And I was like, “You’ll never guess who I ran into today!”
And she was like, “Who?”
And I was like, “Isaac!”
And she said, “Isaac from college?”
And I was like, “Yeah! We talked about theater and some places he’s been traveling to and also about his life and stuff, we had a great time.”
And then, in the dream, my phone rang, and it was the dealership and they were like, “Dude, your car is destroyed, you’re going to need a new car,” and my dream’s mind’s eye flashed to my bank account in real life (accurate web interface and everything) and I started wondering how I was going to drive to work and stuff and if I had enough $$ for another car, because I had been planning on driving this one for a while, still.
My mom (dream-mom) was like, “What was that about?”
And dream-me was like, “Dude, actually, the craziest thing happened to me today, I was in this multi-car pile-up on the highway, and my car is ruined, and I’m really lucky I’m still alive.”
And my mom was like, “Why were you telling me about Isaac?????”
Soon after I woke up and realized: this is just about the best depiction of how I live I have ever encountered, and it was cooked up by my subconscious.
Like, there are a million things happening but, due to maybe my optimism or my distracted nature or something, I’m just really bad at being like, “The reality is: things are not going great right now.”
In the past few weeks I have:
-Broken my nose
-Driven myself into the ground at work (figuratively, #burnout #dangit #notagain)
-Watched an important human in my life receive a not-excellent, long-term health diagnosis
-Parted company with a significant other
-Gone to the dentist, because my teeth are in a lot of pain and they were like, “Your x-rays look fantastic, can you think of anything else that might be going on?” And I was like, “Well, my nose is broken?” And they were like, “Yes, that is why your teeth hurt. Forty-five dollars, please, call us in a few weeks if they’re not better”
-The the dentist was like, “Does this hurt?” and she pushed on my nose, and I was like, “No, it’s getting better,” and she was like, “Well, what about this?” and she pushed even harder, and I could be wrong, but I feel like that set back my nose-progress a couple of days.
-Had someone reach out to me, a super old and dear friend, who had unexpectedly, this summer been like, “Hey, I don’t want to be friends anymore,” so, after I spent a few weeks processing my heart through that loss, here was a nonchalant, “Hey, let’s hang out” a week or so ago, which kind of threw things into a “???” all over again.
-I’m trying to plan some trips in the next few months. Part of this feels like I’m just pretending my way through the motions, but, I also want to be the kind of woman who travels, so, going through the motions is the name of the game. Here I come, pretending, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
So, yeah, November has been a wild ride, one could say.
And I was going to write a blog post about some art I’m working on and some art I’ve been consuming, and I’ve been sitting on some thoughts I’ve wanted to publish…but, also…I just took a few days to drive out to Chicago because…I kind of needed it, man.
There’s this option in Photoshop where you can rotate a part of an image, and I feel like I was just kind of rotated or re-oriented, and, while I’m confident that things will be okay (I still have teeth, my car is not actually totaled, I’m kind of certain that my nose will heal)…I think that it’s fair to say, “Well, so, it’s been a tough few weeks, there.”
Maybe it’s part of the human experience, but, I can also imagine that November was much harder for other people. Like people who were evicted or received news of terrible illnesses or really tragic losses or any number of things that are much worse that me, in a warm house, eating food, with people who are cool who sometimes tag me on Facebook and stuff.
But, this is where I am.
And this blog serves to record my life. So, there you have it. November, which is a month of beauty for me, and one that I love…had its share of hardship. And, as Julian of Norwich would say: All will be well, and all will be well, all matter of things shall be well.
And I keep telling myself that.