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Thine Opinion Requested

This is a question and a story.
And an opinion.
(What can I say? This is a blog).

The question is mostly posed to the ladies, but, I’d be happy to hear gentleman-opinion, too, if any guy wants to jump in.

The question requires pretend. And the pretend is this: there is a difficult and tumultuous journey ahead, like something out of a Narnia adventure, and you are at the beginning, seeing off a young person on this journey. And, where you are, at the beginning, you have the ability to give a singular lotus blossom to this young person (and, maybe, if you’re really feeling the imagination exercise, the young person is young you). And this warm, magical lotus blossom is imbued with a singular virtue of your choice–which virtue would that be? Courage? Empathy? Determination?

High Queen Susan killin’ it at the archery.

That is the pretend, then. And the question is: if you could go address a group of young people, maybe in middle school, maybe about to enter high school or college–what do you think is the single most important virtue you would stress to them? And especially if they are young women?

To ask it more personally: what message does middle-school you wish you had heard stressed more emphatically (or at all?)

Please, discuss.

I am all ears.

A lotus blossom, as you reflect.

And now, a story:

A few weeks ago I was asked to give a talk to a gaggle of teens-plus-preteens at a conference, and I did.

(Insert: and no one cares.)


After I gave my first talk, I sat in on another talk, for the young ladies.

It is important to note that the presenters were fifteen-years-old, and they didn’t do a bad job. And they were fifteen. And they didn’t do a bad job. And they’re fifteen. And I’m not angry at them.

They kind of gave the modesty/ chastity talk I remember hearing from when I was in high school half-a-lifetime ago.

bathing suit 2
Question: will no-sleeves girl get away with no sleeves???

Again, it wasn’t the worst.

Here’s the thing, though–I used to be asked to give those modesty/ chastity talks to young women. Slowly, I’ve been asked less and less. Probably this is because I am getting older and less relevant; and, honestly, I don’t mind that much. Even more honestly: I’m not sure that, if asked to give a modesty talk to a group of preteens/ teens that I would feel comfortable giving such a talk.

Hear me out.

This is what such conferences look like: all the guys and girls are separated from each other. I have no idea what the guys talk about (porn? Maybe?) but, with this special time of girls-only time we talk about…modesty.

And. I’m. Not. Against. Modesty.

I work at a church-y place. I wear tops with straps the width of my palm, nothing that dips four finger-widths beneath my clavicle, no crop tops ever in the history of never, i.e. I know all of the modesty rules, and I follow them (mostly) by golly!.

bathing suit
Rule number one: bathing suits should be as stupid as possible, when possible.

But. Talk to me, especially you women of faith. While I will agree that modesty isn’t bad or wrong, I also think that we’re shorting a beautiful group of young women who have boundless potential for grace and courage and compassion and strength and wonder when we pretend like the highest virtue they can attain is making sure their hemlines hit a certain place around their kneecaps.

“Hello, captive audience of young women. We’re here to talk about young women things. And the most important thing of these young women things is: your clothing.”


I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying: imagine what our church would be like if we picked a different virtue to tote.

Trust me, I love a good dress just as much as the next girl…but, I can’t help but feel like we’re regulating some very important players/ leaders/ visionaries with our unspoken message of: “the most important thing you have to offer is your well-dressed figure, child.”

Picture this:

*It’s a conference, all the boys leave, all the girls stay behind. A keynote makes her way to the podium*
“Listen, ladies,” she says, “I know that this is going to be hard, and that your other friends at school might make fun of you, but, what is sooo important to the boys in your life (somehow this is always mentioned, and it has some place, so for this illustration, I’ll leave it) is that you are…COURAGEOUS.”

And then what if there was an hour session of a woman encouraging young women to bring the relentless, godly courage of Joan of Arc and Mary and Catherine of Sienna to their broken middle schools/ families/ communities.

(Fun fact: I think the only film production of Joan of Arc I have ever watched is the Wishbone version).

What if there were nights in the youth group dedicated to being a courageous woman…or a compassionate woman or a hopeful woman or any. other. virtue besides how your swimsuit fits.

And I’m not saying modesty isn’t an important thing…just, it’s not THE MOST FEMININE VIRTUE OF ALL TIME AND OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE, even though, listening in on the way the church talks about women, we might sometimes be tempted to believe that.

Just…imagine. Imagine what the church (and the world) would look like if we picked…a different virtue.

Still my all-time favorite Hollywood portrayal of femininity–Cinderella 2015.

So, then, the question remains: what do you wish you heard when you were in middle school? What do you wish you could have taken along for your journey?

I wait. I listen. I learn.


4 thoughts on “Thine Opinion Requested

  1. Oh this topic! I could talk all the day. Especially rebuking my younger self for caring so much about how tight clothes were.

    I do think courage ands compassion are the best. With examples. Like, how you will feel when going to mass with your catholic school mates and actually allowing yourself to honor the Lord and pray after communion. It’s courage to love the Lord the way you want to no matter who is watching. Or to include the one person no one likes and you also think it’s weird but you know is super lonely. You will meet this person your whole life and it will always take courage to love him/her! Anyways, yes, there are so many things better than hemlines. Even talking about nfp and how awesome our bodies are would be a good use of that time.

  2. What virtue would I want my shy but dreamig middle-school self to be encouraged to foster?

    I have been rereading C. S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity and I love his explanations of the four cardinal virtues and the three Christian virtues: Prudence, Temperance, Justice, Fortitude, and Charity, Chastity, Humility. I think emphasizing all seven together, teaching what each means and how they interact, would be very valuable.

    Probably what my middle-school self needed most was a courage-infused lotus. Knowing the right thing is different from actually acting on it no matter what friends (or even family) says, and it takes courage to live the kind of life God wants us all to live.

  3. I have a “negative affirmation”. Heh. I mean an “amen” from the inverse perspective. For several years I have shared “Bruce’s Pie Chart of Hell” with anyone who would listen–i.e. a few people. In Rev. 21:8 Jesus gives a list of different types of people who will find themselves in the Lake of Fire for eternity. That part is fact. My speculation, based on decades of research (aka being old and somewhat observant), is that biggest segment–by far–of hell’s pie chart will consist of the COWARDLY. Most Christians don’t even remember that category is even in Jesus’ list. Scary. But they are ruled by The Fear of Man. Scripture is clear: the world is under the domination of Satan until Jesus returns. Our duty is to fight courageously until then. If you’re not instinctively (not posturing) counter-cultural, you’re probably a coward. If you are courageous, this will be your heritage: Jesus (the Alpha and Omega) will be your God, and you will be His son.

  4. I don’t remember that many modesty talks. I feel like I heard a lot of “Guarding Your Heart” talks.

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